


Hayato-chan's Super Secret Love Diary

by pragma (CarlileLovesAnime)



Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: Depression, Diary/Journal, F/M, Gen, M/M, Swearing, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-08
Updated: 2013-01-08
Packaged: 2017-11-24 04:57:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/630662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarlileLovesAnime/pseuds/pragma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gokudera's therapist suggested writing about his feelings for Tsuna in a diary. Now his weakest moments have been exposed. 2795 with one-sided 5927; Gokudera-centric.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hayato-chan's Super Secret Love Diary

**Author's Note:**

> Title: Hayato-chan's Super Secret Love Diary  
> Author: Carlile (notimetoreconcileme on Tumblr, CarlileLovesAnime on ffnet and AO3)  
> Rating: T  
> Series: Katekyo Hitman Reborn!  
> Characters/Pairings: 2795, one-sided 5927; Yamamoto, Ryohei, Haru, Bianchi, and a bunch of others  
> Genre(s): Romance, Friendship, Angst, Drama  
> Words: 11205  
> Summary: Gokudera's therapist suggested writing about his feelings for Tsuna in a diary. Now his weakest moments have been exposed.  
> Warnings: If you're looking for a conclusive and happy ending, go somewhere else. Lots of my headcanons are involved in this – mainly that Shamal is Gokudera's uncle, Gokudera has bipolar disorder, Kyoko really is a ballerina and Tsuna is the videogame champion of the world.  
> Disclaimer: Balls.  
> Other: You are the diary. Yes, you, reader.

**Tuesday, 2 October**

My therapist said that a good way to deal with feelings is by writing about them. So, I bought this journal, here.

An introduction, then – in case, God forbid, someone finds this and reads it without my permission. My name is Hayato Gokudera. I turned 16 last month. I'm Italian, living in Japan. Sometimes I'm a classy motherfucker and sometimes I sound like a repeat convict – though I suppose that's just because I spend most of my time speaking my non-native language. I've done some things I wish I hadn't and been through some things I don't like to talk about. (Don't worry, Dr. Kimimoto knows all about it.) And I think I might be gay. No, I'm certain I am. I haven't publicly come out of the closet yet, though.

I'm in love with the Tenth. I guess that's what I'll be writing about, mostly, since that's pretty much the only thing I trouble myself with anymore. The thing is, we're both boys, we're only friends, and he's not gay. He's actually in love with this girl in our class, Kyoko Sasagawa – he has been for years. They're together now.

I don't have anything against Sasagawa. I really don't. She's a nice girl, smart enough. I respect her. I'm a close friend of her brother, Ryohei, "Turf Head". But I've been in love with the Tenth for a long time too (albeit secretly and probably unrequitedly), and that makes us rivals.

What a great thing love is, to make one seek to destroy a perfectly okay person. Money, I've found, has the same effect. And food.

**Friday, 5 October**

Autumn is the best season, I think. The air is crisp. The leaves look pretty. The food supply is abundant.

I sound like the opening of a bad romantic comedy.

I saw the Tenth today. I see the Tenth every day, but I saw him today, too. We walked to school together, ate lunch together, spent a couple hours together after school, like we have almost every day for the past two years, and every day this week. He went on a date with Sasagawa for dinner.

**Saturday, 6 October**

The Tenth offered me a bag of chips from his lunch today. I turned them down at first, but we ended up sharing them.

**Sunday, 7 October**

Sasagawa sprained her ankle during ballet practice, and as soon as the Tenth found out, he and a couple of our other friends and I met her at the hospital. He brought her flowers. Carnations.

I remember the time the Tenth was in the hospital for a few fractures and I brought him flowers too – white roses. Boys typically don't like getting flowers, but whatever. I thought it would be nice. He appreciated them all the same. He didn't say anything back then, when I gave them to him. When he gave her the carnations, she kissed him.

**Tuesday, 9 October**

I was reading through all the entries I have put into you so far and – wow. I mean, good God. Am I really this boring?

I must seem so creepy, writing every one of my entries about the Tenth. But seeing him is the highlight of my day. It really is. Nothing else in my daily schedule means anything to me. I'm sorry if that doesn't seem fun to you.

I really can be an interesting person. It's just that I don't want to seem whiny or full of myself, and I'm sure that I'll end up sounding that way if I write about the things people normally write about in their journals.

…Wait, who am I even talking to? Who am I trying to impress?

—

I had another appointment with Dr. Kimimoto after school. I let him read you. Now he probably thinks I'm a whole new level of crazy.

I didn't get to go to the Tenth's house afterward but we did text each other back and forth for a few hours. He had run into one of our teachers at a grocery store, and we joked about it for a while. We also talked about ugly cars, TV shows that run too long, and finally, Kyoko Sasagawa.

At least he's just as obsessed with Sasagawa as I am with him.

Somehow, that's not very reassuring.

**Wednesday, 10 October**

My uncle found you. I swear, if he calls you "Hayato-chan's Super Secret Love Diary" one more time I'm going to puke. I really need to come up with a better place to hide you.

Oh, yeah, I live with my uncle, Dr. Giuliano Shamal. Biologically we are unrelated, but he's my mother's stepbrother and he has legal custody of me, so. Uncle.

Why I'm here with him and not in Tuscany with my real parents is a long story.

**Friday, 12 October**

The Tenth skipped school all day today to wait in line in front of the local videogame store. Why? The release of  _Heaven's Devil 7_ , or "Hev-Dev-Sev" as its ever so patient fans and enthusiasts such as the Tenth himself have dubbed it. And the Tenth invited Yamamoto, Turf Head, Kozato, Bucking Horse and me over to his home to play it with him – or, rather, to eat finger food and take turns playing and watching each other play. He said the get-together would count as his birthday party, since he turns 16 in two days.

It's basically a fact that doing or talking about something for which a person has a passion makes that person seem cute. The Tenth was almost unbearably adorable.

Also, reluctantly, I let myself be coerced into taking a turn. Just as I have been so lovingly informed by all of my friends, I am not very good at videogames. In fact, I suck a lot at videogames. As it is, the  _Heaven's Devil_ saga is meant for more advanced gamers. (I'm talking people who are able to draw accurately labeled diagrams of controllers with their eyes closed, people who can beat the most notoriously impossible games within only one or two days, people who are like the Tenth.)

Don't even get me started on how much I was teased when five of us played  _Call of Duty_ over Wi-Fi. I was so disoriented that I killed ten fictional people on our team, and I ended up just crouching my avatar down in an alley and stepping away from the controls.

Most of my friends are into videogames, so whenever they all talk about how much they loved their Nintendo 64s and Gameboy Colors as little kids, I sit back and stay quiet because I don't understand what they're saying in the slightest. There's something about it that just doesn't click with me.

But I digress. In summary: The Tenth is cute. He is a gamer. I went to his party-type-thing. I embarrassed myself. It was worth it.

**S** **aturday, 13 October**

I spent all day rereading the  _Lord of the Rings_ trilogy. That's what I like to do for comfort or when I'm incurably bored – I reread books I love, usually classics. (Not to mention it helps me retain the different languages I've learned.) It was almost  _The_   _Picture of Dorian Gray_ today, but I figured I needed something more time-consuming and less rooted in the real world.

You know that feeling when – I call it "book inertia". When you've finally closed the back cover of a book, you just sit there, staring blankly, letting the mindset bleed out of you, and you wish you could just live your whole life in the space between two words so that nothing so dizzying will ever have to happen again.

Stuck on a page, in a moment; occupying this insignificant little space that's safe and happy.

Sometimes I feel like that's me. But then I realize I'm actually not that happy, and it makes everything seem meaningless.

—

I called Dr. Kimimoto. We talked for about fifteen minutes. Then I took a nap, browsed amazon until 1:00 in the morning, and sent the Tenth a "happy birthday" text message. Good night.

**Sunday, 14 October**

I woke up around noon and the Tenth had already replied to my text. It said "thanks" with an emoticon next to it.

He told me earlier that he would be with Sasagawa all day – mostly at the indoor amusement park/arcade, then at a really fancy steakhouse. She's treating him, since it's his birthday.

I'm doing laundry right now. He's sent me another text, a group text. Apparently Sasagawa can stand her ground pretty decently when it comes to videogames – markedly better than I can.

**Tuesday, 16 October**

I wrote a haiku in my head while I was showering and I don't want to forget it, so I'm just going to put it here:

It all comes down to  
The "haves" and the "have-nots", and  
I certainly have.

Okay, I can't write. I'm more of a math-science guy than anything. Music, too – I like music. It's the language of the human spirit.

Wait a minute…

Okay, I can't write.5  
I'm more of a math-science7  
guy than anything.5

Music, too – I like5  
music. It's the language of7  
the human spirit.5

Fucking subconscious.

**Wednesday, 17 October**

I am not Kyoko Sasagawa. I'm not cute or innocent. I don't have a pretty smile or a vagina. I've been told that I'm exceptionally good-looking, but I don't really see it. Besides, that's not a thing the Tenth cares about in falling for someone. He's not that shallow.

There's another person – Miura, who is also cute, innocent, pretty-smiling and in possession of two X chromosomes – who loves the Tenth the way I do, though probably not as much as I do. She could never even comprehend how much I do. I barely can.

Yesterday after school she let slip that she still had feelings for the Tenth and was incredibly jealous of Sasagawa's relationship with him, and her confession turned into over an hour of sobbing. I know this because the Tenth and I talked about it this morning on our way to school.

Needless to say, it was indescribably awkward giving advice to the love of my life on how to reject someone who is in the same position as mine. The Tenth also told me that he feels like I am one of the only people he is comfortable discussing such a topic with, and that he's thankful for my friendship.

Maybe I'll ask Sasagawa's brother to go to the gym with me this evening. I don't work out too often, but it must be a great way to let off steam. Plus he has a membership.

**Sunday, 21 October**

I took Miura out to the movie theater today to see the newest musical. I don't know why. Maybe in my sleep I developed the intention to connect with her, let her know that I feel for her circumstances and want to reach out. Maybe I've just been feeling lonely as hell lately.

She was probably a little confused too, but we enjoyed ourselves. And, no, I didn't tell her anything. Of course, the entire time we were out together, I tried to imagine that it was the Tenth next to me. Which was hard to picture since there's just no substitute for the Tenth. I think she knows that almost as well as I do.

**Monday, 22 October**

Yamamoto almost caught me with my nose buried in the Tenth's jacket today.

Rewind: the three of us – Yamamoto, the Tenth and I – were at the school library, having our own private study session. Usually we go to the Tenth's for that, but he's having new flooring installed all throughout his house today and tomorrow.

Anyway, the Tenth went off to the other side of the library to find some books he needed, so that left Yamamoto and me alone. Then Yamamoto had to take a phone call, so he walked off.

And the Tenth's jacket was just draped over the back of the chair all unattended and Tenth-y and no one was watching and yeah.

Even though I'm relieved no one saw me, I actually kind of wish that Yamamoto had. It would be nice to not have to live like this anymore.

On second thought, I'm okay.

**Tuesday, 23 October**

My neighbors are going to Hokkaido tomorrow, for two months, so they've asked me to cat-sit for them. It can't be that hard. No cat could be as difficult as Uri (my own cat, who fully embodies the stereotype that cats love to commit premeditated murder.)

The Tenth has a cat, too. Natsu. Not nearly as difficult as Uri – he's actually pretty skittish.

**Thursday, 25 October**

I figured out what's wrong with me.

I am an active person. I'm the type who always has to be doing something. My mind, my hands, my body, some part of me must be occupied constantly.

The past few months have been the first time in my life that I haven't been active. I mean, I have been doing things, but I haven't been doing things that mean anything. I haven't been challenged. I just feel like my little space in the universe has become vacuous.

And it might be because… look at what I've written before. The Tenth is the only thing, the only person in the world who matters to me. I love him more than I could ever love myself, or anyone else. But I have not acted on my feelings at all. I've just sat on my ass, hoping and wishing and writing in a stupid diary. (No offense.)

To hell with all this cowardice!

I don't care anymore that he's straight and taken!

I'm going to do something about this before it kills me!

**Friday, 26 October**

First mission to get the Tenth's attention: failed.

Mission composition: do absolutely nothing different at all.

Current activity: shamefully shoving spoonfuls of frozen yogurt into my mouth while watching  _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_. The book is better than the movie.

**Saturday, 27 October**

I did a lot more staring today than usual. That was the plan. On the way to school, staring. At school, staring. At his house, staring.

The only way this method succeeded was in making me extremely sexually frustrated.

It's just… he's got… he's got this cute little nose, and the brightest smile, and his nose crinkles when he smiles and his eyes are just so big and they're warm – sort of like if you're trudging through a blizzard and you see a cave with a fire in it – and a beautiful brownish-orange color. Can anyone in their right mind tell me he's not irresistible? And that's just his appearance. He's even better – he's perfect, once you get to know him.

**Sunday, 28 October**

My uncle, the perpetual bachelor, sat down with me today and helped me brainstorm advances that would get the Tenth to recognize my feelings. Surprisingly, Uncle Shamal is totally okay with me being gay.

  1. Save him from a collapsing bridge (I'm going to keep this one as a last resort, I think. Not that I wouldn't save him from a collapsing bridge, just that I'd be skeptical of making a bridge collapse under him.)
  2. Shower him with gifts.
  3. Dramatically increase the amount of sleepovers.
  4. Demonstrate outstanding chivalry.
  5. Go on a date with someone else to get him jealous.
  6. Compliment him in every other sentence.
  7. Give him the cold shoulder – subtly, of course.



These are all terrible ideas, but it's a start.

Also, for the record, I am not doing any of this to hurt Kyoko Sasagawa. I have nothing against her personally. It's just her relationship with the Tenth that I want. Not that I could compete with her, but it's a shot.

**Monday, 29 October**

I'm thinking of quitting school. Just quitting. Like, dropping out, getting a high school equivalency certificate, and not having to go anymore. God, that would be so nice.

I really hate school. It's boring, everyone's dumb, and there are too many rules. The only reason I come at all – the only reason I came in the first place – is to see the Tenth. And now every day I have to sit there, pretending to be unaffected while watching the Tenth and Kyoko Sasagawa exchange notes and flirty glances.

—

If you must know today's fruitless attempt at my gaining the Tenth's favor and hinting at my  _unwavering love_ , I tried to intercept one of the notes. It was sent from the Tenth, meant for Sasagawa. I remember basically what it said. "Want to hang out at my place tonight?"

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if he really does know how I feel about him and just hates me.

I ended up giving the note back to her – stealthily – instead of tearing it to shreds like I wanted to.

**Tuesday, 30 October**

I think my depression might be coming back.

—

Yup, it's back. Why didn't I see it coming earlier?

I didn't come to school today. Didn't feel like even getting out of bed this morning.

I wish there were some net I could set for myself that could catch me every time I start a downward spiral. Maybe if someone cared about me I wouldn't have to worry about doing it myself.

The Tenth sent me a text after school, asking where I had been – several people sent me texts, but none of them mattered. I just answered back that I was okay. I'm pretty fucking not okay right now.

I've experienced bouts of depression like this ever since I started puberty. That's bipolar disorder, for you. None of my friends knows I have it, not even the Tenth.

It's nearly 4:00. I should probably drag myself out to Dr. Kimimoto's office for my weekly therapy session. Maybe he can talk me through this. Or at least increase my Paxil dosage.

**Wednesday, 31 October**

Recovery day. I watched  _Mothra_ and  _Godzilla_ , and read  _Frankenstein_. I am actually feeling a little better – not much, though. Today I'm just able to move.

It's odd. I haven't felt so bad in a while. The past couple years I've had more manic episodes than depressive. Although, I knew that once they would stop, I'd crash hard.

**Thursday, 1 November**

I came back to school. Another failure today. I'm not going to let it get to my head. That's the last thing I need weighing on me.

You're probably wondering how my love for the Tenth came about, huh? Why he means so much?

Well, when we first met, he saved my life from my own attack, even though it had been directed toward him, as I had been assigned to assassinate him. And because it's a tradition in our organization, the loser of the fight must serve the winner. He didn't want to accept my service of undying loyalty, but I persisted.

We became friends, but I always felt like he was different from all the other people I knew. I felt things about him that I knew from the start were not natural friend feelings. Neither Yamamoto nor the alien nor any other person could make me feel the way I feel about the Tenth.

He's just so – I can't even describe him with words. How is it even possible to describe a human with words?

It wasn't until about a year and a half after meeting him, while I was staring death in its Cheshire-grinning, "princely" face that I realized what my feelings really were. I came back to the Tenth, through the flames and smoke, before it all would have ended.

The rest of it has been me falling deeper and deeper, and the Tenth becoming more and more distracted. I haven't found enough courage.

I don't think you understand. No one could understand. I must sound so stupid, going on about him, like this.

**Friday, 2 November**

Shitopi-chan (my alien friend, don't ask) and I were chatting today and she said – this is verbatim, "Wow, you must really be obsessed with your boss."

She has no idea.

Anyway, I had not even said anything, or at least anything incriminating, to prompt this. Or so I thought. At that moment I realized that every sentence out of my mouth in our conversation regarded the Tenth in some way.

As soon as I got out of school, I went straight home, found you and flipped through all previously filled pages. 19 of the 22 entries so far mention the Tenth. Most of those are  _about_  him.

This isn't even "Hayato-chan's Super Secret Love Diary" anymore – it's more like "Hayato's Log of Unhealthy Fixations and Crippling Emotional Failures".

What a story I must be.

**Saturday, 3 November**

I  _will_ master playing videogames. I am bound and determined to do so. Then I could get the Tenth to notice me on a whole new level.

—

It's 2:30 in the morning and no, I did not master videogames. If anything I am even worse than before.

**Monday, 5 November**

Maybe I should just write down a list of all the things I try, so I can clearly see where I have failed.

…Thinking positive thoughts. This Wednesday, we're going on a class trip to Kyoto and not returning until the 11th. Kyoto is a beautiful place – at least, as far as I have heard. I did a little research on it. Our class will have castle tours and hiking and such while we're there. (Also, just so you know, my uncle said he would stay at our apartment every day while I'm gone so that he can look after Uri and the neighbor's cat. I am going to have to give him a portion of my pay from the neighbors when I receive it, though.)

I'm not concerned with packing or any of that right now, though I should probably find my camera, wherever it is. The more pressing issue is that we just got our room assignments today and I'm sharing a hotel room with the Tenth. Well, Yamamoto and Kozato will be in our room too – it's four to a room and not co-ed – but I'm not as concerned with them.

Oh, man, will the Tenth and I have to sleep in the same bed? I don't know if I'll be able to control myself.

**Tuesday, 6 November**

I'm going against my better judgment and bringing you to Kyoko with me. I just hope no one sees you. I'll have to keep you hidden at the bottom of my suitcase.

Wait, did I seriously just write Kyoko instead of Kyoto? I seriously just wrote Kyoko instead of Kyoto.

Damn. I know it's late and I'm not fully packed yet, but I really need a nap.

**Wednesday, 7 November**

We're on a train and

the Tenth fell asleep with his head on my shoulder.

I repeat:

_the Tenth fell asleep with his head on my shoulder._

Believe me, it is next to impossible right now for me to keep still. I don't know how I'm pulling it off. I want to explode.

Am I physically showing how happy I am? I hope I don't have some big, dopey, telling smile.

I really should put you away before I draw attention to you.

—

We finally arrived at our hotel. The train ride took most of the day. The Tenth slept on me for one hour and 23 minutes, and in his nap lasted a total of 2 hours and 36 minutes. To be honest, I'm delighted that I got even a second. (I can't even describe how overjoyed I am about this; my hands are shaking. I'm just going to move on.)

As soon as we got here, the four of us received our room keys and wheeled our stuff up to where we were staying on the third floor. I carried most of the Tenth's things even though he said I didn't have to. Our room is small and, as I had guessed, has only two full-size beds. It's room #348. Don't let me forget.

While the Tenth, Yamamoto and Kozato were talking about sleeping arrangements and showering order, I grabbed you and locked myself in the bathroom. I then curled up on the floor and scream internally for no less than ten minutes. I think I'm cooled down and composed enough to come back out now.

We as a class are going to Tofukuji Temple for the evening and eating dinner in the city. So, I will be going soon. I feel like such a tourist.

**Thursday, 8 November**

I shared a bed with Kozato. That's fine. The Tenth is a very restless sleeper – I've known this for a long time. We've slept at the same place a number of nights. He thrashes, tosses and turns, and sometimes gets up and walks. If he's in bed with anyone else, he'll likely kick the other out in his sleep. That's exactly what happened to Yamamoto. He teased the Tenth about it and got some laughs.

I really don't think I would mind getting kicked out of bed every other night if it meant that I could sleep in it with the Tenth. But whatever. Kozato, like me, is stone-still when he sleeps.

Switching gears, here. The whole class boarded a bus to Nijo Castle for a tour. It used to be the home of Ieyasu Tokugawa, one of the most famous emperors in Japanese history. The Tenth's family on his father's side has named sons after Tokugawa emperors for generations.

The Tenth was thrilled about the whole place. It was clear to see, he was eating up every word the tour guide said, breathing its history in deep. Sasagawa thought he was just the cutest. She wasn't the only one, of course.

**Friday, 9 November**

God, I adore the Tenth's smile. And his eyes, and his voice… and his laugh… and his smell… and his body, and his soul, and…  _Tenth_.

We ate at a tavern for lunch and he had a grain of rice stuck to his cheek and I got it off of him. He's so funny sometimes. We spent a lot of time together today, the Tenth and I.

**Saturday, 10 November**

Today was the day our class hiked to Fushimi Inari Shrine.

Today was also the day the Tenth got lost.

Allow me to explain: our whole class gathered at home base, and before the teacher let us do anything else we all had to partner up. Yamamoto was my partner; the Tenth went with Sasagawa. Of course, the four of us, along with partners Shitopi-chan and Kozato, planned on sticking together throughout the hike anyway.

Shitopi-chan refused to leave me alone. Throughout the whole hike. It was ridiculous. (She is kind of obsessed with me. I don't really get it. I'm not that special.)

Foolishly I let her lead me away from the others for a couple minutes to check out something around Reiko-Zuka. When we came back, there were only three of our friends there. They said the Tenth had left to use the restroom. We waited for him to come back for more than five minutes, but there was no sign of him.

The five of us searched all over the grounds for the Tenth – we even split up. I was starting to fear the worst when, by myself, I found him looking rather lost a little ways into the forest bordering the opposite side of the property. He seemed delirious – he hadn't been drinking enough water. I guess he went all the way back to the main shrine building and then took a wrong turn while leaving it.

I was so relieved when I found him. I just grabbed him and hugged him. I don't think he realized how scared I was for him. I'm not generally a hugger; I don't like touching or being touched by people. The shrine is a public place, you know, and we're mafia – we can never be too paranoid.

Almost right away, everyone else met up with us. The Tenth let go of me when Sasagawa came running up to him, and they kissed a bunch of times.

What's even more intense than the fear I felt is the fact that I'm so fucking angry right now – all of it directed at myself. There are so many decisions I could have made differently that would never have caused any of this trouble. If only I hadn't let Shitopi-chan take me away from the others – that way I could have walked with the Tenth to the restrooms, made sure he didn't go there alone, or at least get someone else to accompany him. If only I hadn't just waited around instead of going after him sooner. If only I hadn't immobilized both of us after I found him, but rather taken his hand and run deeper into the forest with him, like I kind of secretly wanted to.

…We finished the tour eventually and bought charms at the shrine gift shop before we left. Mine says "prosperity" on it.

**Sunday, 11 November**

It's another one of those days with a depression spike, and I'm doing my level best right now to not show it.

I now truly understand the meaning of the phrase "don't go to bed angry." Sleep only lets it fester and amplify.

The worst part of it is that I'm starting to feel angry with other people too, and it feels… good – fitting – liberating, actually. I've always been angry with myself. It's a strange new emotion to have, anger toward someone other than me.

I start thinking about all the people I really hate right now and it all goes back and back until I wish I had never been born.

**Monday, 12 November**

While we were all leaving the train station to walk back home yesterday afternoon, I almost said something to the Tenth. Almost.

But I didn't and now it's 4:00 in the morning and I can't eat or sleep. I could barely even get up off my couch. I read the first hundred pages of  _Atlas Shrugged_ and then something cosmic stopped me and I've just been sitting here, staring into space.

**Tuesday, 13 November**

I realized something today, while I was sitting at my desk, watching him. One of the biggest reasons, if not the biggest reason you fall in love, is because the other person makes you happy.

Kyoko Sasagawa makes the Tenth happy – very happy. That's why they're together. That's why he loves her. She must love him too, or is at least starting to do so. He makes her happy.

The Tenth makes me happy. He also makes me sad, angry. He's the only person who's capable of making me feel anything anymore, to be honest. Now, when someone else disappoints me, betrays me, praises me or anything, I don't bat an eye.

I feel as though this whole complex I have – the entirety of my problem, here, is with striking a balance. I've always prioritized the Tenth's happiness over anyone else's, including my own – at least, that is of what I have confessed and convinced myself, and he's happy now, with me as just a friend. But I feel like the only way  _I_  can be happy is to have the type of relationship with the Tenth that I want. Why can't I be the one to make him happy?

Why would I not?

What does he want from me? What can I do to rid myself of this burden of secret feelings and just take a rejection from him? Why do I know he'd reject me? Why would he reject me?

I want to move on but I'm paralyzed – stuck here, because he was the only glimmer of hope I had seen in a really long time – probably my entire life, and he's going to extinguish it just the same. And not even realize it. Not even care. He never cared. Even though I care so much about him.

**Wednesday, 14 November**

My session with Dr. Kimimoto was postponed until today. Our time ran out before we could really get to the point of our conversation, so he asked me to write down everything I was thinking and feeling and save it for him to read during our next meeting.

I guess I'm not really angry at the Tenth. I don't think I'm capable of feeling that way toward him. I'm just angry at his ignorance. Which, logically, to me, is unfair of him. I have done everything I can for him for more than two years now. I've always been there for him. I realize that he's distracted, but with as much of myself as I have given to him, the least he could do is pay attention to what I'm doing.

Then I'm the one at fault. My actions are too subtle. I'm not portraying my feelings in a noticeable (or healthy) manner, and because of this I am suffering.

I might be able to guess why I can't seem to get my message across, though I don't know if I'll cover any ground about it without help. I've got some pretty deep-running trust issues. I don't quite know when it started – at my stepmother's abuse, my uncle's neglect, or all the other times I've felt safe around someone and then been hung out to dry. For me being so untrusting has been a pretty big roadblock, whether it is reinforcing the mentality through experience or trying to overcome it through making connections.

That's especially the situation now. I've always had to fend for myself. I just feel that if I do place trust in a given person, one of these things inevitably happens:

  1. The other person will come to regard me as a burden.
  2. The other person will leave or be taken away from me.
  3. The other person will hurt me.



I'm trying to come up with any examples in my life of people who have gained my trust and haven't done any of these things at one time or another, and I'm pretty much drawing blank.

Maybe – no, it's likely that my anger really is at myself because I got myself into this situation. I let down my guard and that allowed my thoughts and feelings to stray and fall right into someone's lap.

Don't get me wrong, I have confidence in the Tenth. Considering him objectively, he's a good person. He has an open mind and a kind heart. The two of us have been through a hell of a lot together. I  _trust_ him.

But having the weakest, most vulnerable and least controllable part of me, the part I can't pull away no matter how hard I struggle, the part that's called love be with anyone else but myself?

It's terrifying.

It's absolutely  _terrifying_.

It goes against everything ingrained in my nature. And I'm afraid that, if he is ever to gain knowledge of the fact that he owns me in this way, even though our bond is deep, he will completely wreck me. He has no idea how much power he holds over me. He already has such a grip on me that once he does something to lose my trust in the future, I'm sure it will kill me.

It's going to happen eventually. It always does. Whether it takes a minute or a decade, whether he means it or not, it happens.

Then you look at an ultimately unpredictable ratio called risk vs. reward and I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

This? All this I've just written? That's the risk. In placing my heart with the Tenth I risk losing my entire identity. I've played this risk since I met him, but now my feelings have grown and there are triggers everywhere and I can't back out. The stakes are higher than I even want to imagine.

The reward, if it were to go right? A beautiful level of self-actualization I have never seen before or would ever be able to reach otherwise.

All my rambling in this entry seems meaningless – nonsensical, you might even say, when you consider that I don't give two shits about myself. I mean, I said before that I hate myself – that in my mind, especially when compared to the Tenth's, my own wellbeing is unimportant. Why am I so scared of failure?

I also said before that the Tenth is the only person in my life who matters. He's the only one who can make me feel. He's the only one who can destroy me. I'm in love with the Tenth, but no one frightens me more. These seem like only words, concepts, now, but if what I'm afraid will happen ends up happening, it will hurt more than any other pain I've ever known.

I could be happy, though, for once.

**Friday, 16 November**

I'm currently sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office because when I got home from school there were drops of blood all over my apartment and it turned out that Uri had beaten up the neighbor's cat. Maybe the vet will be able to get the cat fixed up enough so that the neighbors won't notice when they get him back.

I'd much rather be at the Tenth's house right now. I was going to go there right away but I wanted to drop off my things at my place first.

I hope Uri's satisfied. The cost of her little violent outburst is coming out of my cat supply budget.

**Saturday, 17 November**

The Tenth and I hung out for a little while today. I winked at him once. He just kind of awkwardly looked away.

Later on he told me that I seemed sad, and I told him it was nothing and he didn't have to worry. The Tenth is a highly empathetic and perceptive person. Most of the time.

**Sunday, 18 November**

I'm thinking that I should combine my efforts – knock out two birds with one stone. I'll make the Tenth realize I've fallen for him. And by God, I'll make him fall for me. It's selfish, I know. But it's the best and most constructive way I can come up with to remedy my situation. Increasing the risk for a greatly increased chance of reward.

Only… it's taken just as long for me to fall this deeply in love with the Tenth as it has for the Tenth to establish me as his close platonic friend. If he doesn't have romantic feelings for me by now then I don't know if trying to change him will work.

I might be overthinking this. Love's not about thinking – it's about feeling. Love is not logic, a ratio, or an equation. It's taking a person by the hand and looking forward together. It's adoring a person's every attribute and flaw. It's not being able to wait for the next time we can be with each other. It's finding beauty in each of the person's littlest traits and even more appreciating the sum of the parts. That's everything I feel for the Tenth. Now the biggest obstacle is turning off my brain.

**Monday, 19 November**

I think I've discovered why people call it "falling" in love. It's because the two biggest fears with which all humans are born are the fear of loud noises and the fear of falling. And love is a truly fearsome thing.

—

Alright, so maybe my sense of humor is a little different from other people's. I like puns. I like satire. I like dry, dry, dry humor. Subtlety. Intelligence.

I'm not saying that it's stupid to laugh at things like farts and slipping on banana peels and mindless sexual innuendo, or that everyone else is stupid and/or laughs at things like that. (And in certain moods I'm not necessarily above doing the same.) I'm just saying that I'm not a master at conveying humor for the general population.

Long story short, I tried to be upbeat and tell lots of jokes today, since people usually love people who make them laugh. I think the Tenth understood only two or three of them.

Oh well. Sasagawa's not exactly a comedian either. I still have hope.

And it's Yamamoto's job to be the optimistic, funny one anyway.

**Tuesday, 20 November**

At least the Tenth's mother likes me. She's a wonderful woman, you know. The Tenth is very close to his mother – he looks like her, too.

When I stay at the Tenth's house for more than a few hours, I make sure to be polite to her and help her when she needs it. I do this for several reasons: there's a rule in the mafia that one must always respect his mother and the mothers of others, it's another way to gain favor with the Tenth, and she's pretty great and needs – deserves the assistance.

And, well, she makes a lot of sacrifices, just like any mother. I figure that if I can do right by her, it might do something for my own mother's memory.

**Thursday, 21 November**

I just keep trying to force inspiration. To gain it, I have to go through an indefinitely repeating and increasingly frustrating process.

  1. Stare at something.
  2. Have an idea for wooing the Tenth fly at me.
  3. Gasp and say, "Yeah!"
  4. Pause.
  5. "No."



I don't think I realized just how hard it is to stop thinking. I  _can't_  stop.

I need something to do that is mentally consuming but not challenging.

…Calculus.

**Friday, 22 November**

The Tenth is not good at math. At all.

**Saturday, 23 November**

Yesterday got me thinking. The Tenth, unlike me, is not a math-science person. If we were school subjects, I would be physics and he would be…

Lunch.

But I can be literary, too. Reading is one of my favorite things to do. I've been a bookworm since I can remember.

I know there are some people out there who are notbookworms, who may even be so bold as to say they "hate" reading. ( _How_?) I think the reason they don't like reading is because they just haven't found the right book yet. After all, like with many things, some are born with a love for reading, some achieve it, and some have it thrust upon them.

I wouldn't say that the Tenth dislikes reading, but he certainly doesn't consider it a hobby. (This is probably due to the crappy-ass books the school system has forced on its students. I mean, really, if you want to plant the seed of learning and discovery in children and still keep it classic, at least offer them something good, like  _The Count of Monte Cristo_ or  _Brave New World_.)

Maybe I could make him into a reader. And I could do it with a romance.

Since – okay, I'm not the master of romance. That is pretty clear now. However I have read a good deal of books by authors who are and I may use their expertise to sway things the way I want them to be swayed. Plus, if he develops a passion for reading like mine, then it could become a whole new way for us to connect.

What should it be? Something from Jane Austen or the Brontë sisters? Torquato Tasso? Lisa See? Maybe the charming John Green? Or – Lord help me if I must resort to this – Shakespeare? (If I see one more false reference to  _Romeo and Juliet_ , I swear to God…)

If only I could come up with a story that was guaranteed to reach him, one consistently relevant to our relationship and individual selves.

Well, don't look at me – I'm no writer.

**Sunday, 24 November**

You know, on second thought, forget reading and writing. Forget words. Words are only skewed communication of raw thoughts and feelings.

I then considered trying music, because if there's anything I like more than reading, that's it, and it's one thing I can both appreciate and create. But that's something  _I_ like. The Tenth doesn't play any instruments, and, if you ask me, his taste in music is (bad) not very similar to mine.

The problem is, the Tenth doesn't have many hobbies. His biggest pastime, aside from being with friends and all that, is videogames, and as you know, I have attempted and failed to appeal to the Tenth on that level.

**Monday, 25 November**

Guess who got back from the Tenth's house at 12:30 tonight! (So I suppose it's technically Tuesday now but what the fuck ever.)

I only asked him to teach me how to play videogames!

I've had him come to me and ask for help with homework and such before, so tonight a) we still spent some time together, b) he got to teach me something for once, and c) I don't know, perhaps having switched roles could make him see me differently.

Not to mention that I actually did get better at playing. I'm still nowhere near his level – for that it would take, as he put it, "13 years of having no friends and a TV in my room". But I managed to learn  _something_ , despite how irresistible he was.

**Tuesday, 26 November**

Today my uncle dropped me off at Dr. Kimimoto's office, and the two of them actually chatted for about twenty minutes. It ate up some of my session time, but a lot of progress was made on the front of my relationship with Dr. Shamal.

I then went straight to the Tenth's, and with his help and involvement I was able to get all the way to chapter 7 of  _Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time_ before I had to leave.

**Wednesday, 27 November**

Turf Head called me today to let off some steam about how disturbed he was at seeing his sister make out with the Tenth.

I have a sister – older, technically my half-sister but for the first eight years of my childhood I was raised beside her – and she gets hot and heavy with her boyfriends all the time while I'm around and I don't get upset, at least not enough to scream.

Grow up.

…Sudden epiphany of how hypocritical I just sounded.

**Thursday, 28 November**

Everything I do makes me embarrassed.

**Friday, 29 November**

What if I left? Like, what if I just grabbed my jacket, a pair of shoes and a little money, and started walking in some direction and skipped town? Left everything and everyone else behind?

Maybe since I don't have enough courage to finish what I started here, I should start again somewhere different.

Oh, I'm not fooling anyone. I swore to myself that I would never venture off into the world alone again. Where would I even go?

**Monday, 2 December**

I beat  _Ocarina of Time_.

And I must say the game was all right. When playing out an adventure like that, there's a sort of learning curve one must experience – what's the best song for this, to whom is it more important to speak, when should I use X supply, how would I get up there?

In the  _Legend of Zelda_  series, there is kind of an implied romance between the main character, Link, and the titular character, Princess Zelda. There are other girls who seem to fancy Link, but I can assume that he's typically paired with the princess.

For every minute I spent at the Tenth's house this weekend, I couldn't rid of this heavy pain in my stomach. I was afraid to look away from the television screen. Each time he touched me or got near me, I flinched, and I think he noticed.

**Wednesday, 4 December**

I hugged the Tenth when I left his house today. He accepted it, but I'm not quite sure how he felt about it.

**Thursday, 5 December**

After much deliberation and a painful process of trial and error, I finally came to the conclusion last night that the best way to tell a person how one feels is to be direct. I wanted to just get it out there and over with.

So, this morning, I pulled the Tenth aside and kissed him.

He then ran away from me.

At least I tried, right? Even if I may feel at this moment like I want to  _lie on the floor and starve to death_. At least I tried.

**Friday, 6 December**

I guess the Tenth hasn't told anyone about the kissing ordeal. At least, none of our friends has mentioned it to me. Everything went about as usual. He even took Sasagawa on another date. I wasn't able to get a moment alone with him at all.

Somehow, although I have been surrounded by people my whole life, I've always felt lonely. That I'm not the same creature they are, but something invisible, lesser. Today was one of those days when the loneliness felt almost paralyzing.

**Sunday, 8 December**

So it turns out – get this – it turns out that the Tenth of the past few days has not really been the Tenth at all, but rather an illusion of him that Dokuro fabricated to appear as though he was here with us and not on an emergency trip for family matters. He had left early morning on the third. Dokuro and Sasagawa were the only friends who knew.

Apparently he didn't want us to know that bad things were happening with his maternal grandparents and make us all concerned.

Well, that's great. Really, that's

just

—

I want to die.

**Saturday, 14 December**

I know I haven't written in six days, but I haven't even left my apartment or done anything in six days, either. Well, okay, scratch that – three days ago I went down to the building lobby and bought a sandwich. It was actually a very harrowing, dramatic ordeal, going down there.

I haven't showered in 48 hours – which is, admittedly, odd, since I make it a personal point to shower at least once a day because I have my own working shower now and that luxury is enough of a reason.

I've probably read through 75% of the books on my shelf. The book inertia has built up so much that I think if I stop for too long I may try to throw myself out the window.

My uncle's gone, been gone, probably off pillaging and philandering. Mostly the latter. And no, I did not go to my weekly session with Dr. Kimimoto.

…See, when something like this happens, I have a habit of dropping off the face of the Earth afterward, since that's basically what I used to do. If, say, four years ago, I had been duped and embarrassed as badly as I have been recently, I would have up and left town the next day. But something binds me here. It must be the fact that I've lived here for two years, and made many powerful friends who would come searching for me if I left. Instead of packing all my things (not nearly as meager a supply as before), I must retreat into my dwelling and shut myself out. I hate being cooped up, so when my emotions force me to do so to myself, it's pretty serious.

It's dumb, I know. No one even saw what I did. (Probably except Dokuro, but she's quiet.) Ergo no one heard of it. I just kissed an illusionary Tenth.

You understand my feelings, don't you?

**Monday, 16 December**

The Tenth came back into town yesterday, or so I have heard. Apparently his grandfather was in a coma that had something to do with his diabetes, and the Tenth's family wanted to be there when the life support plug was pulled and the funeral was held.

I feel pretty shitty right now, for more reasons than before.

I was the last visitor at the Tenth's house on the 2nd, and he and his parents left around 5:00 the morning of the 3rd, far too early for anyone else to come. So I was the last non-family person the Tenth saw – chose to spend time with – before he had to go do something as serious as mourn his grandfather's death. And I acted so standoffish.

I have yet to receive him, too. Miura informed me of the Tenth's return within an hour of the event, and that was midmorning yesterday, and I haven't made a single effort to get out and go talk to him. I haven't taken good care of myself since he left. I'm still trying to crawl out of my trusty old depression hole. Most of all, I'm scared to face him. He needs comfort right now and, if anything I have written in this diary is proof, I am terrible at knowing the right things to say. At this point I don't think I'd be able to go on as I normally used to around him. I would have to do my best to avoid bringing up my kiss with the not-real-him, and at that rate just keep my mouth shut about my feelings for him altogether, but I'm already past my breaking point with all that. It's not that easy to stop the flow of a volcano once it's erupted.

**Tuesday, 17 December**

I totally skipped school yet again today. I wonder when the teachers will start asking questions about my nonattendance. Maybe once I come back I can bring a doctor's note: "Gokudera-kun was stuck at home because of his crippling depression. Please excuse his long absence." It might be better to just wait until winter break is over. Oh, but then I would miss final exams. I should shoot my teachers an email to see if I can just come in for a few hours on one of the last days and marathon all of my tests to get them over with.

I actually left my apartment today, went straight to Dr. Kimimoto's, and came right back. We did not talk much. I let him read all my diary entries back to the 4th of December. After that we just kind of sat there. I've never been so quiet around him.

**Friday, 20 December**

Oh, my God, the Tenth is in my apartment. I repeat:  _home base has been infiltrated_. Abort mission. Take evasive action. Quickly, while he's still in the bathroom.

**Saturday, 21 December**

I am  _freaking out_.

—

Okay, so the Tenth came over yesterday. He just showed up at my door out of the blue. I buzzed him in. I didn't even know that he knew where I live.

Of course, I have barely left my home the past two weeks, so the place is a wreck. Really I am just thankful that I coincidentally showered the night before last. Otherwise my hair would have been all greasy and nasty.

I invited him inside, and he took a few steps in and we exchanged awkward greetings and then he asked where my restroom was. He was only in there for about two minutes – I didn't even hear the toilet flush, but the ends of his bangs were wet when he emerged. My guess is he splashed water onto his face at the sink or something.

We small-talked for a little while. At this point I did my level best not to let on that I had feelings for him. He had taken note of the fact that I wasn't at school. I got him to tell me about his trip, the funeral, his extended family and all that. It didn't really go so well, the trip. All of his cousins are older than he is and either are rude or have no personality. (Sounds strangely like my own cousins.) He hadn't cried over his grandfather's loss yet – the grief was still too fresh. He hadn't done much since he came back into town, either.

Somehow, even though I tried to avoid it, I ended up telling the Tenth that I felt depressed. I explained to him that it was because I've had manic depression for nearly five years now, and emotional phases come and go. Which is true. Not the main reason I've been so down lately, but true nonetheless.

Without asking any questions, he reached over and hugged me. He said, "I'm sorry," and I grabbed him back and said, "I'm sorry too," and we held each other for a long time. He even started crying; so did I. Good Lord, I hadn't shed a tear since I was eight or nine years old. I have no idea how long we were hugging like that. But the instant we let go of each other, I did something stupid.

I told him I love him.

I confessed that I have been in love with him – well, basically since we met, though I have known the name of the feeling for only less than a year. And I didn't say anything else. I didn't say that I was jealous of his girlfriend, or that my secret love for him was the cause of my sorrow, or that I had gone to so much trouble to gain his recognition. Just that I'm hopelessly in love with him to the point of practically killing myself.

And immediately, I regretted it. There was this tragic, dumbstruck look on his face that just kept growing with every word I said, and when I finally shut my mouth he couldn't shut his. His nose and ears were red and his eyes were bloodshot from all the crying. His whole face went red. I couldn't look at him anymore.

When the initial shock wore off he said he had no idea I felt that way about him. Then he got quiet, silent, for God knows how long. He stared at me, examined me from head to toe with his eyes – I could feel them on my skin.

I piped up again, even though I should have learned the first time to not open my big damn trap. I just said, "You're rejecting me, aren't you?"

He sighed and shook his head and said, "No. Not quite yet." He stood up, and I stood up too, and he said that he needed to go, needed to think this over, and he left and I didn't get to lead him to the door.

One. I feel like a complete fucking idiot.

Two. He said no. Never in my life have I been so happy to hear the word no.

**Tuesday, 24 December**

Went into school after hours and finished my exams today, though I had to cancel my session with Dr. Kimimoto. It's Christmas Eve, you know.

It's snowing a little. I'm sitting here in front of my window, reading  _A Christmas Carol_  with Uri napping on top of my legs. Bit of a personal tradition of mine – reading  _A Christmas Carol_ every year around Christmas, anyway. I'm not a devoutly religious person, but I do think Charlie Dickens is a good man. Or at least inspires goodness in men.

I wonder what the Tenth is doing right now. I'm getting knots in my stomach just thinking about him.

**Wednesday, 25 December**

This morning – at 7:00 a.m., Jesus Christ – I got a package from my uncle. It included a DVD box set of Roberto Rossellini's  _War Trilogy_ , as well as a brief letter explaining that he's in Cuba "for business."

For some reason, Christmas just makes everything seem brighter. It's kind of empowering. I'm a little stretched for money at the moment, so I didn't buy anything for my friends, but I think I should pay them a well-wishing visit. It's unlike me to do such a thing, I know.

—

Out of morbid curiosity, the first place at which I stopped was Sasagawa's house. Turf Head was enthusiastic as always. His sister was pleasantly surprised to see me. It turns out that the sprain she had in early October is worse than she originally thought, and she has to have minor surgery on it in three days – her injury kept her from dancing in the winter show that her ballet company performed last week. I couldn't sense any hint of her knowing what transpired between the Tenth and me, so I guess he never told her. I'm glad for that.

Yamamoto and I actually went for a short walk together to catch up a little. His parents' restaurant is closed today – not really for the holiday, but because his father, the head chef, has the flu, and his mother is starting to come down with it too. I can understand why he'd want to get out of the house in that situation.

I didn't stay long at the Shimon house. Shitopi-chan tackled me to the ground out of joy. Everyone else was only mildly excited, if that.

Miura's doing well. When I stopped at her house, her father practically insisted that I stay for soup. I told him I had to be places, but eventually I did come inside for a little while, even though I didn't eat anything. (I just realized he might have been so adamant about me coming in because he thinks his daughter and I have a thing going on.) They're fostering a Papillion puppy; she wouldn't leave me alone the whole time I was there. Must have smelled cat on me.

The Tenth's house is only half a block from Miura's. I went along the sidewalk, around the corner. I got all the way to his front porch and then I just stopped.

Until that moment I hadn't really felt the cold, but it hit me like a tidal wave then. I had to take some deep breaths to make sure I wasn't drowning. I backed away to the edge of the front lawn, and in one of the windows I could see the Tenth and all the people who live with him getting warm under a large kotatsu.

Everyone else, I figured, I wasn't close enough to drop in and see like this, or was out of town. Now I'm back at my own apartment. My sister called me a few minutes ago, but that was all.

**Thursday, 26 December**

I woke up at 1:30 this morning in a cold sweat with one idea in my head: if I don't have the courage to face the Tenth in person, I should still correspond with him somehow. Since he never checks his email, texting seems too informal for such a serious matter and I really hate talking on the phone, I tried to write him a letter.

Fourteen hours have passed since then and I'm still sitting at my desk. I feel exhausted. Uri and the neighbor's cat are playing in the minefield of balled-up pieces of paper all over the floor.

I know I've thought of this idea before and then rationalized that words are useless. But I feel like there's nothing else I can do.

**Friday, 27 December**

The neighbors picked up their cat today. I admitted to them that Uri hurt him and I had to bring him to the vet to get stitches. They didn't take it badly or dock any of my pay. He used to be a stray, anyway, and got into lots of fights.

I went straight back to my writing and failing until they came by later this afternoon. They were going out to dinner and wondered if I wanted to come with them. We went to an Italian restaurant. It was laughably inauthentic. They know I was raised in Italy, so I'm pretty sure they chose the place as a joke, though taking me out and paying for my food was indeed an earnest friendly gesture.

While we were out – it was just three of us, as the neighbors are a working couple in their late twenties – they asked if I was dating anyone. I said no, but also that I had "a crush".

**Sunday, 29 December**

I got my therapy session for the 24th rescheduled for today. In the end, Dr. Kimimoto wasn't able to give me any solid advice on how to handle my current situation regarding the Tenth. The ball is in the Tenth's court, so to speak. I haven't seen him at all. I don't know if he's still thinking about me, or if he's already forgotten. I don't know whether he's made a decision. I don't know if he's just ignoring me. It's so hard to sit back and wait. It's agonizing. Maybe he's waiting too, waiting for me to reach out to him so it won't be as difficult for him to come to me with his answer. I've tried distracting myself since the incident. I've officially gone through every book in my collection. I'm really not sure how much longer I can take this.

**Tuesday, 31 December**

The Japanese have a tradition on New Year's Day that they go to shrines and pray for the upcoming year. I think I'll go do that tomorrow. I'll wish to be braver. Not about facing danger – I've done plenty of that – but about expressing myself and connecting with others.

**Wednesday, 1 January**

I finally saw the Tenth today. I had gone to a shrine to pray, and he was there. We noticed each other immediately.

It was  _really_  awkward.

We started our conversation with little light things, as he was trying to ease into the real issues, but he gave it all up after five minutes.

He broke up with Sasagawa. He still wants to be her friend, and she is fine with that. But my time with him way back on the 21st gave him the epiphany that their relationship lacked a certain depth, and that in terms of romance he really only loved the idea of her. She's upset, but she'll get over it sooner or later, he's sure.

He's still confused about the whole situation. He couldn't give me a clear decision on whether to accept my feelings or reject them. He said that he needs longer to think. I told him that's okay.

He was also very concerned with whether I was okay. I told him I'm getting better.

Once we finished talking about what needed to be talked about, we hung our omikuji and prayed side by side. Before we parted ways he wanted me to promise him that no matter what happens between us we'll still stay close and appreciate each other. I told him that he didn't even have to ask.

**Thursday, 2 January**

I am writing this entry on the inside of your back cover. How did the pages run out so fast?

I'll have to go shopping again today and find a blank – and longer – journal to replace you.

And I'm not quite sure whether I want to throw you onto the stove or put you on my bookshelf. Time will tell, I suppose. For now, say hi to all my Haruki Murakami novels.

PS: I'm putting you in chains with a bike lock. Hope that's not uncomfortable. It's just, my uncle is coming home tomorrow.


End file.
